Let’s Do It with Bri Pruett: Putting the “sensual” back in consensual

 

Illustration by Erika Moen

There’s only one sure-fire way to avoid being in a consensual gray area in a sexual scenario; use your grown-up words and explicitly ask for consent. If you’re a shy or less verbal person, this might seem like a daunting task.

First let’s deal with some of your concerns…

1. I don’t like “asking.”
People (especially men) have told me that “asking permission” feels weak, that it establishes a power dynamic from the get-go that may not be a total turn on. Can I suggest this adjustment to your logic: the “ask” is a sign of ultimate respect, a new “laying your cape over a mud puddle.” Because who can remember to bring their cape all the time? If your boo is into consent, asking IS foreplay.

2. It makes sex so mechanical.
Maybe there is a small loss of spontaneity. But if you get consent beforehand, or better yet, have a grown up discussion of what you are into and when/where you want to get it, you’ll have the green light to get as weird-as-you-wanna-be when the time comes. I’ll take kink over spontaneity any day.

3. Girl’s are the brakes, boys are the gas.
Why are you even reading this column, you dumb dinosaur?! There’s an assumption that cis-gender straight males are ALWAYS trying to get it IN and it’s the “woman’s job to put on the brakes.” It’s 2016, dummies. That kind of over-simplification is over. Yes, let’s acknowledge the long history of teaching men to “ask” consent and women to “give” consent *cough* rape culture *cough*. However, women can help this process by participating in the culture of consentthemselves, asking and granting permission also.

4. I don’t know how.
For a lot of us, this is new. We’re finding the language, the rhythms and the emotions associated with consent. It’s OK for it to feel awkward. We’re all gonna be so good at this soon (a great resource is sex educator/graphic artist Erika Moen’s blog entry on consent). If you’re just getting your feet wet, here are some phrases to try out:

Can I….?
Will you…?
Would it feel good if I ….?
Would you like it if I…?
Do you like it when…?

Here are some phrases that sound less like questions:

It would feel so good if you…
It turns me on when you…
When you _____, it makes me hot
I love it when you ____
I want you to _____

Okay now here are some perfectly reasonable verbs to add to this sentence:

touch
kiss
lick
suck
stick it inside (where applicable)
take off
keep going

Finish it with a subject:

My/your dick
My/Your Pussy
My/Your Legs
My/Your Butt
His/Her/their dick/pussy/legs/butt

Try it with your partner, your weekend lover, or whatever lucky, sunsick fool you hook up with tonight. And don’t thank me too much when you ask permission to fuck and your consent-lovin’ bae floods their basement.

Wishing you great love and hot, consensual action,
@BriPruett

Let’s Do It w/ Bri Pruett: How to Write a Rad Online Dating Profile

Illustration by Erika Moen

As the first signs of Back-to-School season rears it’s ugly, crayola head, we know in our bones that YES the nine-months of wet/gray/winter-ish is coming. So,have you thought about your cold-weather relationship yet? Dating is fun in the summer when activities and patios are plentiful. Come autumn, you can harvest your relationship like a ripe tomato and make a rich sauce to sustain you during the cold months. If you are like literally everyone on the planet, you date online to increase your odds of meeting someone. Here are my tips for finding the biggest fish in your pond.com:

1. Talk about your lifestyle
Say I stumbled across a dude online who has dedicated his life to ice fishing. He goes on several ice fishing trips a year, has Marlins mounted all over his house(Marlins aren’t products of cold-water fishing, you say? Shut up nerd, I’m just trying to make a point), and all his friends talk ice fishing 24/7. That would be a real red flag for someone like me; I’m too soft for that life. My point is this: Service industry folks aren’t going to be able to get up and jog with you at 5 am, starving artists aren’t going to be able to afford to travel with you to Antigua, and devoted Christians aren’t going to brunch with you on Sunday… God doesn’t even brunch on Sunday, he waits until Monday when the lines are shorter. Smart, God.

2. Brevity is your friend
For the sake of pure readability, I urge you to keep it brief. No more than 500 words in total for a site like OKCupid or Match.com. If you are going long, cut the details about your personal “history” first. Those are great details to offer in the first couple of messages you write to the person you want to meet with.

3. Ask your friends for help
Everyone needs an editor, and I’m nothing without Wm. Steven Humphrey! Ask your friends to read your profile, for grammar and content. Ask them if it sounds honest, or if you left anything out. Good friends will be honest, mediocre friends will give you some nice fluff about how great your butt looks. Go ahead and brag, you won’t sound like an asshole; you’ll sound like a person who knows they deserve a rad partner.

4. Don’t list “dealbreakers”
We all have boundaries hidden in the deep confines of our soul. However, I’d wager on the journey toward love, you’re more flexible than you think. Through messaging and the first dates, you’ll be able to identify the things that are just NOT going to work for you.

I met my sweet boyfriend online. He wrote pages and pages of OKCupid profile prose, his username referenced a foreign film I liked and I knew immediately he had the gentle soul of an artist. Surprise, I’m into that kind of thing. So I asked him a couple of questions… I didn’t even say hi. He was glad to meet a straight-forward, brass tacks kinda broad. By our third date, we started clearing our schedules to make time for each other, then we got all boo’d up.

It can happen to you too, folks! Next time on Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: Opening Lines for Online Daters.

Wishing you great love and good sex,
@BriPruett

Let’s Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Get Your Dick Sucked!

Illustration by Erika Moen

One day I wandered into the illustrious Portland MercuryHQ and met a nice man who introduced himself as the web guru. He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. I was flattered and amazed, and squealed, “WHICH ARTICLE?” The article:“How to Suck a Dick.” Ahhhh yes, I remember that. That was me, all right!Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it’s just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Today let’s turn the tables and talk about what you can do to insure your dick gets sucked.

HOW TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED

1. WASH YOUR DICK – This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dirty-dicked-boys have asked me for a blowjob. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack. Not judging AT ALL. But look, no one’s going to want to get involved with your dick if it’s not ready for the “ball.”

2. GROOM YOUR DICK-AREA – Your dick is Justin Timberlake and your balls, pubes and thighs are N’Sync. Make your “breakout artist” look good by grooming the support staff. Trim the pubes, and maaaaybe the hair on your thighs if you are especially hirsute. Are you trying to get someone to suck your balls? SHAVE THEM. Plus it’ll make you swim faster!3. MAKE IT INVITING – You’ve groomed, you’ve cleaned… what more can you possibly do? Get some scents in the game! Leave your Old Spice or Axe Body Spray at home (unless you dab it on with a Q-tip—seriously, just a whisper of musky scents will do). Essential oils can do wonders for a swampy dick. May I suggest lemon verbena, peppermint, or Eucalyptus? “Bri, I don’t want my dick to smell like my grandmother’s bathroom.” DO YOU WANT YOUR DICK SUCKED OR NOT?

4. ASK REAL NICE – Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t drop hints, and for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, DO NOT press his/her head into your crotch. Just ask for what you want like the adult you are. “Hey, would you suck me off?” “Can I get a blowjob, please?” “This all feels amazing, will you go down on me?” OR the slightly more passive, yet still kinda cute: “I’d love to watch you suck my dick.”

5. RECIPROCATE – Maybe this means getting on your knees and giving head. OR maybe it’s doing another selfless act: a back massage, a sexual favor of a different variety, or something he/she has been begging you to do for a while! Buy brunch! Go to the art museum AND the farmer’s market! While none of these things will entitle you to a blowjob,they might grease the wheel a bit.

Let me reiterate: NONE OF THESE THINGS ENTITLES YOU TO A BLOW JOB. Or to put it a different way: no matter how much time and energy and money you spend in the pursuit of a blow job YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A BLOW JOB.

Receiving oral sex is nice. Being on the receiving end of such intimate attention can makeyou feel like royalty. Sadly, the patriarchal industrial complex has made these blowjobs feel like currency, which is such a turn off to sexy feminists like myself. Think of a blowjob as frosting on the sex cake. Wait, no, as frosting on the sex pie. Like, I didn’t even know this pie could get any better, I mean, what’s frosting even doing up in here, but OMG yum!

Remember what Ghandi said: Give the head that you want to see in the world. Being generous will usually pay off in bed. And if it doesn’t, stop fucking those people.

Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: V-day Edition!

LOOK, WE’RE ALL some sort of hipster. Whether your “hipster” is vinyl, French press coffee, or writing Yelp reviews for urban goat farms, I get it, YOU’RE COOL! So before you start rolling your eyes and hollering about how greeting card companies invented Valentine’s Day, hear me out: Just because the maninvented it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it for yourself. It’s a holiday about LOVE! ARE WE TOO COOL FOR LOVE NOW?

Movies and YM magazine ruined everyone’s expectations of Valentine’s Day—but the good news? Now is the time to rebuild! What if the jaded masses decided it wasn’t just another Black Friday for fancy restaurants and B&Bs!? What if we took it back to honor the relationships that don’t fit into the molds of pricy nights out and 1-800-Flowers?

Whether you’re married, single, vigorously copulating, or totes single, you are SWEET on someone right now—and someone is sweet on you, too. Why don’t you get that person a little something? I’m talking to you ladies, as well. Post-modern Valentine’s Day is not about clueless men wandering around department stores looking for tennis bracelets and perfume! Here are just a few suggestions:

CANDY! Okay, fine, I happen to like Whitman’s Samplers at Rite Aid. But there are also hella options for the locavore foodie types: Alma Chocolate, Missionary Chocolates, and Batch PDX are a few of my favorites. If you and your honey are on the casual (or the down-low) just get something they like. If someone gave me a Milky Way Dark and a Post-It note with “xoxo” on it, I’d swoon forever. Maybe your healthy/diabetic boo would enjoy a bag of Cuties. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME, COME ON ALREADY.

JEWELRY! It’s a traditional V-Day gift: a sparkly bauble, so precious and intimate, worn next to the tender skin of your beloved! But you’re poor, right? Me too. Jewelry is probably out of reach for most folks, and even if my fuck buddy could afford it, jewelry makes me feel guilty. Blood diamonds aside, my relationships are not “tennis bracelet” serious. However, $10 in costume jewelry can make the same statement. Or go to Goodwill and pick out a piece that looks like something she already HAS. Of course, you can buy boys jewelry, too. But briefs are a nice way to say: “I think your body is worthy of adornments… especially your junk.” If you want to buy him something shiny, try a tie clip. (Way cooler than archaic cufflinks.)

A TOKEN OF YOUR ADMIRATION! A favorite thing. Think belt buckle, flask, laces for their Timberlands, or batteries for their Xbox controller. Her favorite lip balm, a new water bottle, or journal. Are they a writer? We always want good pens. Don’t let Say Anything ruin giving pens as gifts.

BOOKS! Generally I think books are too void of “bling” to make good V-Day presents. But you know your boo—maybe an X-Men comic or first edition is going to make your special someone all wet. For god’s sake don’t forget to write a note inside the cover. (On a Post-It if you don’t want to drive down the collector’s value… nerds.)

FLOWERS! Red roses are hack, but a dozen is right on the nose if you’re going for an ironic/sincere V-Day. If you aren’t used to buying flowers, here’s a trick: Pick a color she/he likes, go to New Seasons or Sammy’s Flowers and pick one or two stems (the nice person at the counter will make it look so cute). If your honey’s first love is Mother Nature, try a tiny potted succulent. If your love is a cook, a rosemary bush or a sachet of herbs tied with a bow would be perfect.

DRUGS! Nothing crazy, of course. Think a dime bag and a Twix bar. (Not a vial of coke and $100 cash.)

GIFT CARDS? No. This isn’t your nephew’s bar mitzvah. Save the Starbucks card for your boss’ birthday.

COUPONS FOR MASSAGES AND HUGS AND SHIT? NO. I know you’re poor, but you can do better than this.

HOT SAUCE! Yes! Keep it local, like Aardvark and Portland Pepper Sauce Company.

EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS? Kill yourself.

If the boy I’m sleeping with (yup, just one, I’m all locked up for once!) is reading this, I’d like a tightly rolled joint and some mocha almond bark from Alma Chocolate with one stem of pink spray roses, please!

Fuck the man. I love you, guys.

Wishing you great love and good sex.

@BriPruett